I was brought up Jewish in a well-off family. My brother and sister and I each got one major gift and several small items for Chanukah when we were children. I married a man who’d been brought up with Christmas and piles of gifts, along with the expectations of getting the perfect gift for everyone once he became an adult. The first year I joined his family for Christmas, the sight of a huge tree with an enormous pile of presents, extending over much of the living room floor, just made me a bit ill.

My (then boyfriend) had spent a lot of time shopping and stressing over what to buy for each person. In the weeks leading up to our trip to his home, I had become convinced that the amount of anxiety he experienced really interfered with the reasons why Christmas should be a joyous time. Personally, I thought having the family together was the most important thing — actually, the *only* important thing.

The most amazing thing was that Jesus was never mentioned, let alone going to church. The expression “Having Christmas” was used to describe the time when everyone opened presents. That, to me, was a clear sign that something was wrong.

After that first year, I started politely pushing back on their traditions of piles of gifts, just saying it wasn’t for me. One year I asked them to please not get me anything, but if they wanted to do something they could donate to one of three charities that I named. They did so, but opted out after one year because the charities kept contacting them for more money . I could understand their annoyance, but didn’t like it when they tried to hand me cash so I could give it to charity instead. Over the years, their tradition has developed into one where everyone brings one gift under $25, and we play the “Yankee Swap” game for the gifts. There are no small children. If there were, the expectations would certainly be different for them, but hopefully they would be modest.

During Christmas, we all cook together, we go on destination trips many years, and we spend lots of time visiting and reinforcing family bonds. Much of the stress is gone. Our holidays aren’t frugal, since we travel to expensive places, but we spend our money on the travel and not on “stuff”. Last year we all went to Hawaii. It cost us as much as a mortgage payment to get there. Believe me, buying gifts on top of that would have made me cranky.

I hope other families, especially those trying to eliminate debt, can address the issue of gift spending up front and develop traditions that are more thoughtful and less expensive. Merry early Christmas, and may all be of good cheer.