Comments on: Financial Infidelity: Cheating On Your Partner With Dollars

By: Aida

Aida — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 19:27:37 +0000

Thank you for all of your advice. I found it very helpful. I agree you should draw the line based on the amount of money spent. However $10 is a little low, what if there’s like a $15 thing that is a really good idea. I think the line should be drawn after $50.00.

By: Todd

Todd — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 13:03:42 +0000

Have you ever had to deal with “financial infidelity”?
I’m living it. The thing that pisses my off the most is that by law I have to have a joint account in order for me to cash my income tax return. I have the money direct deposited and I can’t trust her.

By: Julie

Julie — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 21:04:15 +0000

I can relate to Rebecca. I was married for 15 years to a great guy. But I had an underlying feeling, he wasnt always 100% honest with me. I found out by opening up a new account at a new bank (Patriot Act) requires them to run you credit. Since I was putting it in both mine and my husbands name, the credit report showed all accounts. I happened to say, can I take a look at that? And at that moment the rug was pulled out from under me. My husband had over $60,000 in debts that I had no idea about. He had all his mail going to his company PO box and lines of credit maxed out. I was completely devastated and could not understand how he could ruin our future in this way. At first he was very defensive and angry, he considered this HIS problem and it was related to his self employed business. It really tarnished my trust and respect in him. But I knew I could forgive him and we could get beyond it. I have learned three years later, that would only work if he would be completely honest and open about it with me and have no more secrets. He wasnt willing. He refused to talk to me about the debt and our marriage deteriorated to a point of no return. We are divorced now and I finally dont feel so alone with this issue. Who knew it was soo common?! It is complete breach of trust and without both partners willing to work on it and change the secrecy – I am afraid there is not much hope. This is my best example of when love is not enough.

By: Thomas

Thomas — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 21:15:47 +0000

Question 3. What system do you use that has helped you and your spouse avoid these kinds of battles?

My wife and I have been married for almost eight months now and we haven’t had a single fight about money. We avoid such conflict by doing the following:

1. At the beginning of the month, we review the results of last month and establish our budget for the next month.

2. On a weekly basis, we review where we are in our spending categories and see what we have left for the month. If adjustments are needed, we discuss them first and then adjust as necessary.

3. We live by the motto: If it’s not in the budget, then we’ll have to do without. If it’s something we really want and need, then we’ll save up for it (see #4)

4. We save for large purchases over several months/years, rather than buy them on impulse.

5. We plan for $100 to $200 in “flex” money every month. Any unspent flex money goes back into savings or becomes flex money for the next month.

6. We use YNAB and follow the methodology behind it (live off of last month’s income).

7. Before we got married, my wife and I realized that we wanted her to stay home with the kids when they started coming. That said, since we got married, we’ve been budgeting as if her income doesn’t exist (we put it all into savings over and above what we put into savings from from my income).

8. We do all of the above TOGETHER, rather than one person making all the decisions. Being completely open and honest with eachother is a must.

Regards,
-Thomas

By: Olivia

Olivia — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 14:27:59 +0000

Money may not be the root issue in alot of these cases. I think if you have good communication, money communication will follow. We’ve learned some things the rough way since we are total temperment opposites. We try to take the strengths of both perspectives and use them in the budgeting process. (He’s a fun person. I’m a saver.) But we’ve always consolidated our finances no matter who worked or worked more. Two things have helped alot. A written budget that we hash out together and stick to, and a small bit of personal mad money.

By: Jenna

Jenna — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 16:53:12 +0000

I have had to deal with this issue almost my entire life. I met someone when I was 15 we married at 20. I had $10K he had 280.00 to his name. I worked he went to school, we lived extremely frugally due to his mandate of it! He would beat if he felt you spent too much on any one thing. We mananaged to save 500K maybe more I really don’t know as he never really showed me the books / we got divorced I got zero he got all the money. I still feel cheated on this matter.
Remember I worked he went to school.

By: Pam McCormick

Pam McCormick — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 20:34:31 +0000

Any one have suggestion-advice for couples who make very different salaries? What is out is a combined checking to pay bills, not looking for the standard pooling of money ideas.Really looking for out of the box livable ideas? I make dramatically more than my husband, always have.He is very happy in his career so no chance of him increasing his salary.I have always worked more than 1 job long story but I am a workaholic really enjoy what I do.We are mortgage free,paying off cars and home equity(roof).I feel responsible for everything, all our needs.Any way would love to hear from others on the uneven teeter tauter???

By: Hal

Hal — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 15:01:09 +0000

As frugally as possible….

We had a year’s worth of my wife’s salary (gross) saved up before our first child was born, and in five years we’ve used a little more than half of it. (We both put in a portion of our salary, just like our joint account, every month.) It’s getting ready to take another hit to cover some of the child birth expenses that are outstanding for our second child. We both understand that when that savings runs out, it will be very hard for us to make it on one income alone. We both try not to spend on frivolous things.

We make no big purchases, unless they are necessary, right now. And we discuss any big purchase with each other. At this point the same thing that makes a marriage work, makes our money situation work. We communicate.

By: Jan

Jan — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 14:21:38 +0000

Hal- how do you do things now that your wife is at home?

By: Amber

Amber — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:18:02 +0000

My husband makes significantly more than me and *neither* of us feels that this entitles him to more weight in decision-making. When we got married, we both agreed to share everything. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine and that means money too. I totally agree that the “market” (i.e. what you can command in salary) should have nothing to do with the weight you can throw around in financial discussions at home. To be perfectly frank, that idea is offensive to me.

We discuss “big” purchases – generally somewhere between $100 and $200 but not clearly defined. We’ve segmented our spending so that, for instance, I am responsible for monitoring our spending at the grocery store while he is responsible for monitoring our spending at restaurants and bars.