I love Socrates.  The genius of Socrates was his ability to ask questions.  He made a reputation as being a person who taught simply by asking well focused questions.

So taking a cue from this Socrates we’re going to try and help you improve your money relationship with your spouse simply by asking questions.  At times a well framed question can be more effective than a perfect statement.  Financial togetherness cannot occur in marriage until you open your heart, open your ears, and listen to your spouse.

First, a note about setting.  Try asking these questions in a non-threatening environment.  Consider talking about them across the table at a restaurant, while holding hands on a relaxing walk, or during a quiet moment on the couch.  Don’t try and ask these questions at the end of a hectic day or in the office with so many papers that are demanding your attention.

Second, a note about your disposition.  It is quite possible that when you ask these questions you will be surprised or shocked at the answers.  Don’t take things personally.  Let your spouse feel free to express their opinions.

Questions To Consider Asking Your Spouse

1. Did your parents talk to you or teach you about money?  Did they have a similar approach to money or did they often disagree?  Are your money management habits more like your mom or your dad? Why?
2. How much money did your family have?  Do you remember an occasion where you felt like you were rich/poor?
3. Is there anything you would like me to learn to do better or differently with money?  Would you say I’m frugal/cheap or a flagrant spender?  Do you wish I’d learn to loosen up with money or spend it more freely?
4. Are your comfortable (emotionally) with our current debt level?  Do you think we’re on the right track as far as debt repayment?  How much debt are you comfortable with?
5. What is a “major purchase”? How much would I need to spend, without consulting you, to make you upset?  What kinds of purchases do you think we should both consult each other regarding?
6. How do you feel about wives earning more than their husbands? Why?  Do you have any issues or concerns regarding how much we each make?  Do you think I make enough money?
7. Is there one thing that you dread when it comes to money?  What is your greatest financial fear?  What do you think can be done to help minimize the possibility of that fear becoming a reality?
8. Have you ever thought about starting your own business?  How would you fund it?  What would you do if you could do anything in the world?
9. Imagine that you’ve won or saved a million dollars.  What would you do with it? Why?
10. What would you like retirement to look like?  Where would you live, in what kind of house?  What work, if any, would you be doing?

It is quite possible that you will be surprised and shocked by some of the answers you hear.  So what do you do now with these responses.  After asking some of the questions above, you’ll have a good idea about the level of financial oneness you and your spouse enjoy.  You should have been able to identify some areas of marital strength and even some places that have room for improvement.

Now you have a hard job.  Start to humbly and patiently address these sensitive money issues.  If you feel overwhelmed, seek outside help as counseling can be a great way to heal a broken marriage.