Why do we have such a hard time being happy for others? It is something I have struggled with over the years, and I recognize much of my resentment towards others’ success has been a result of my own insecurities.

Back when we were really floundering, my wife and I were friends with several couples who made much more money than us. They lived in huge houses in the best neighborhood in town, drove nice cars, and took luxurious vacations. We had little in common, except for the church group the moms were members of – MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers).

My wife and I often confided to each other that we always felt a little out of place at Christmas parties and other social events hosted by these wealthy couples. My “out of touch” feelings began to fester, and soon I was downright jealous. Why couldn’t I land a great job and earn as much money as them? Why couldn’t we afford a bigger house, and a nicer car?

Fortunately, as part of my financial turnaround, I finally came to terms with what I was feeling. Turns out I wasn’t so much jealous of the “Joneses” as I was unhappy with my own situation. My resentment for others’ success was born from my own lack of success, and I ultimately only had myself to blame.

There was another angle to this I had not considered before this time of reflection. What if those couples were up to their eyeballs in debt? They probably had a huge mortgage payment, two car payments and credit card debt higher than my annual income. After all, outward appearances can be deceiving. Is that really what I was after? Or would I be more content with a modest home, paid-for cars, and the freedom that comes from not carrying any debt. The choice was obvious.

It was at this point that I went through sort of an early mid-life crisis. Up to that point I had been fast-tracking the career ladder, having started literally on the bottom rung and made my way to middle management. Of course, the promotions often meant more headaches, more travel and not much more money. I came to a point in my life where I would gladly give up the late nights, Saturday mornings and two week cross-country trips for more time with my wife and kids.

Sure, we would probably not make as much money as those “rich” friends of ours, but we would be wealthy in other ways. So in March of 2004 we relocated, left the financial industry and found more meaningful work. Now, I make significantly more in a year than I did in those days, thanks to my new career and my side hustles. Aside from a few nice things we enjoy, we still live a modest lifestyle by most standards.

I find it much easier to be happier for others now, if they are truly happy. If I discover they are unhappy with their inflated lifestyles, and are merely working for the trappings of the rich and famous, then I feel a little sorry for them. I hope over time they will break free from the grips of materialism so that they can discover what is really meaningful to them. Maybe it is more time with their family, or more time to volunteer to a cause they believe in, or maybe just more time out on a boat fishing. Whatever it is, I hope they find it so I can truly be happy for them.

From the time we were small we’ve had ingrained in us the idea that climbing the corporate ladder was the result of hard work, ethical behavior, and networking with the right people. For the most part that is still true. However, corporate life is not quite as revered as it once was.

I was no different growing up. I dreamed of becoming a football player, or a doctor, or a successful businessman. Those were big dreams, but dreams that kept me on track, academically, throughout high school. After a back injury my senior year of high school derailed any hopes of playing football, I turned my attention to my studies and finished on a high note, intending to enter college the next year and declare pre-medicine as a major.

Photo courtesy of TimWilson

Somewhere along the way I burned out on the whole process. I grew tired of college, the idea of being a doctor, and I was really floundering. After a death in the family, I returned home and lived with my grandfather while working a string of part time jobs, because I couldn’t find a full-time one.

Not long after marrying my college sweetheart I found a full time job as a customer service representative at a bankcard call center. The starting salary was $18,000, but I could earn 10% more by taking the graveyard shift, so I did. Looking back, we felt rich! My wife and I worked opposite schedules for a few months, until the stress at her job, and being seven months pregnant, brought her home.

I bounced around the bank from the call center to back office operations, credit, fraud investigations, disputes, etc, eventually landing in software development, which was the focus of my studies after returning to school after the birth of my daughter. Again, I thought I was on the fast track up the corporate ladder. I ultimately landed a better job after finishing my online business degree, but again, somewhere along the way I had a change of heart.

Reflecting back, I don’t remember a specific event that changed my perspective, rather a combination of events that changed my priorities. I had spent a decade living above my means, acquiring things, and racking up debt to finish school. The events of September 11th drew me closer to my then 1 year-old baby. The thought of traveling away from her, and my wife, terrified me, and the first time I flew after 9/11 (only a few months after) I remember feeling a panic that I had never felt before. I was lucky my new job would not require travel, because it was something I endured prior to 9/11, and downright dreaded after (not necessarily out of fear, but because of the new restrictions and the increased hassle that came with traveling).

Then my family was dealt a double-whammy as the economy started to turn late last summer. My mom was diagnosed with a giant cerebral aneurysm in early August at 53 years young. My mom raised me as a single parent, and had done well climbing the corporate ladder herself, despite lacking a college degree, and being the lone female manager in a male-dominated industry. She remains an inspiration to me. But the aneurysm, seven surgeries, a stroke, and a 102-day hospital stay from September to December wiped her out, financially, emotionally, and physically. She and my stepdad survived without an income as he cared for her for 6 months until long-term disability insurance kicked in.

A second scare came in February of this year when we almost lost my mom because of a new bleed in the aneurysm. She endured an 11-hour brain surgery, and despite even the doctor’s dire predictions, she survived. This time her hospital stay was 45 days. Today she is wheelchair-bound, unable to walk and use her right arm. Her vision and speech were affected, but she still has her wit, and we still love spending time with her.

Photo courtesy of ellievanhoutte

I share all this because it sort of explains how I got to here. It’s funny the things that shape our beliefs, and our dreams. Twelve months ago I viewed a 6-month emergency fund as a luxury; now I think it is a necessity. Same for disability insurance. Being debt free went from a nice-to-have goal to our number one priority.  Next we’ll work to pay off our house early.

I’ve become content with my current career, and my “side hustle” here at Frugal Dad. No longer do I long for a corner office and a six-figure salary. I long for a mortgage-free, modest home in the country with a garden, some room to roam, and the abiliy to spend some extra time with my kids, and one day, my grandkids.  I’d gladly trade in that office chair for a comfy rocking chair on our front porch overlooking our land. Flashy cars, big houses, expensive clothes and gadgets are all just obstacles in my way of achieving this goal.

If I gave you a sheet of paper and asked you to list all the things you really wanted right now, how many could you come up with?  Five?  Ten?  None?  Chances are there are quite a few things on your spending radar.  Some of the things you need, but most of them you want. It’s OK; you’re human.

We all sort of walk around with an idea of things we like to replace, or upgrade, or add to our lives.  If these things add value to our lives then planning for their purchase is not necessarily a bad thing.  It is the impulse purchases of stuff that get us into trouble.

Secrets To Curbing Your Appetite For Stuff

1. Unsubscribe to catalogs. A friend of mine in college griped incessantly about being broke.  He also subscribed to every catalog under the sun.  In any given week I bet he received 10 catalogs on sportswear, hunting and fishing gear, golfing equipment, etc.  And then he would salivate over the things he saw in the catalog.  Easy fix; cancel the stupid catalogs.

2. Get a TiVo and skip the commercials.  When I bought my TiVo a couple years ago I felt a twinge of guilt over the purchase – after all, DVR is still kind of a luxury.  But now I’m convinced it has actually saved me time and money.  Not only can we motor through a half-hour show in twenty minutes, but we can skip all the commercials, too.

3. Ignore unreal media examples.  While on the subject of television, ignore examples in the media of entertainers living lavish lifestyles without putting in an ounce of real work. I’m always amused by soap operas where the main character is depicted as a policeman or detective and lives in a multi-million dollar home.  I have family members in law enforcement, and I can tell you that they are grossly underpaid for the work they do, and there is no way they could afford such a lifestyle.

4. Don’t hang out with materialistic people.  Friends influence purchasing decisions more than any amount of corporate advertising ever could. For this reason, avoid hanging out with people wrapped up in their clothes, their cars and their expensive homes, or you will start to feel the need to keep up with them.  Better to let the “Jones” keep up with themselves.

5. Sleep on it.  Before making a major purchase, give yourself some time to decide whether or not you really need it.  My garage is full of crap that I just had to have, but later found out I didn’t really need.  I’ve slowly been purging this stuff from my life, and it feels great. I only wish it was as easy to get rid of the associated debt, too.

6. Convert the cost of items to hours worked.  This idea comes from my all-time favorite personal finance book, Your Money or Your Life. In the book, the authors advocate calculating your real hourly wage as the total amount of time you spend getting ready for, commuting to, and being present at, paid employment.  So if you work eight hours a day, but commute thirty minutes both ways and take half an hour to get ready in the morning then working actually costs you 9.5 hours of life energy each day.  Divide your earnings by this amount, and then decide if that new toy is worth x amount of working hours.

7. Beware of coupons.  Coupons can save you a ton of money off the retail price, but they can also cause you to spend more money, overall, than you normally would.  I’ve fallen into this trap while playing The Grocery Game, which publishes a list of “rock-bottom” priced goods at your favorite store.  I see the item is 60% off, flip through my folder of coupon fliers and I’m off to the store to buy it.  The problem is, I don’t even like Raisin Bran cereal, and I wouldn’t have normally bought it.  That’s exactly what the manufacturers are counting on. They’re hoping I’ll like their cereal and give up my usual fast-breaking bowl of Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch.  Not likely.

8. Set boundaries with well-intentioned family members.  This one gets a little touchy. Parents often want the best for their kids, but sometimes they advocate the wrong ways of acquiring it.  The classic example is the meddling parents who try to convince newlyweds to buy a house instead of renting.  They think they are helping, but don’t realize that in six months the couple might be fighting over money every night because they are drowning in debt and have a mortgage they can barely afford.  Buy things on your terms, not your family’s.

9. Be content with what you already have.  How many times have we rushed out to replace something just because a new model is out?  Could be a car, or a game system, or a computer, or a cell phone.  If the current model you own is meeting your needs, why upgrade?  Unless a case can be made for serious productivity increases, chances are you will never recoup the costs of upgrading.  Be content with what you have, and resist the temptation to upgrade.

10. Quit worrying about what other people think.  This is the number one indicator of financial maturity. Think of the amount of money wasted each day by people attempting to impress strangers.  From luxury cars to expensive jewelry, the examples of ostentatious buying are never-ending.  Entire industries have been created around the idea of making people look better off.  From tanning beds to plastic surgery, from one-day luxury rental car companies to glamor photographers, we spend an insane amount of money trying to be something we aren’t.

Be happy with yourself.  Be content with what you have.  Look for fulfillment and self-worth in things other than material possessions.  Volunteer your time. Be a good parent. Love your neighbor.  These are the things that make a lasting impression, and leave a lasting legacy when you, and all your stuff, is finally gone.

Don’t be alarmed. I’m not quitting the blog, or my job, or going off on a wild rant. I’ve simply had enough, and I am so thankful. Today in a moment of clarity it occurred to me that so much of our lives are driven by this one single word – enough. Few of us ever experience it, despite how rich or poor our socioeconomic class defines us.

The word “enough” is powerful. Ignoring the Webster’s definition for a moment, my own interpretation of the word in the language of frugal is that
“enough” is experienced when one reaches a sufficiency. Sure, we could have more, but we do not need more. We may want more, but we do not need more. We simply have enough.

Unfortunately, most of us don’t remember what enough feels like. When we were kids we needed to learn, and often be reminded of, what enough really meant. For example, my four year-old son could eat a three-pound bag of M&Ms if left entirely up to him. As he gets older he’ll learn that the over-indulgence in sugar and chocolate will likely leave him sick. He will reach a point of balance where he limits himself to a certain number of candies to satisfy his craving, but not so many that it makes him sick.

As we grow older our tolerance increases, our stomachs expand a little, and we can once again gorge ourselves beyond the state of enough. But now our childhood, sugar-induced nausea is replaced by things like credit card debt, a mortgage we can barely afford, a car that cost more than half our annual income, and 60-hour workweeks to pay for it all.

Imagine how much simpler our lives could be if we could go back to that point at eight years-old when we rolled down that bag of M&Ms after a couple handfuls. That point when we recognized enough and allowed our innate self-control to kick in.

I’ve tried to put these ideas into practice lately by reminding myself when I’ve had enough. From food, to material items, to money, reminding myself when I’ve reached enough has served me well. Here are a few examples.

I Have Enough

I earn enough money. Who wouldn’t like to earn a higher salary? Who wouldn’t like to earn as much as their boss? I know it sounds strange to hear someone say they earn enough, but I do. I’m not volunteering to stop earning more money, but I do recognize my basic needs and a few wants are met thanks to my adequate income.

My car is good enough. I currently drive a 19 year-old van. The radio doesn’t work, the heat and air rarely works, the gas mileage is terrible, and it has zero sex appeal. I don’t care – I love it! I have no car payment, my insurance and tag costs are negligible, and save the occasional repair it reliably gets me back and forth on my short commute to work. I could go out and finance a brand new truck, but my current vehicle is good enough.

I have had enough to eat. I’m a big guy. I’ve always been a big guy, and even in my younger days I had to stay active to make up for my love of good food. Now that I’m older, and more sedentary, those trips to the stove for seconds take more of a toll. Instead of toying with every diet under the sun (which I’ve tried to no avail at some point), I’m simply using the word enough to drive my eating habits. Mid-meal I stop to ask myself, “Have you had enough?” If I have, I stop eating.  Simple as that. Hopefully, the combination of my “enough diet” and increased activity will help me get back to fighting weight.

My house is big enough. The other day I sort of lamented about the configuration of our current home and its lack of office space. I found a frugal solution, and set up shop in our laundry/utility room. I’m also in the process of adding some gym equipment to our garage so I can get in a workout at home. Would I like a bigger house with a dedicated office, a bigger backyard, a playroom for my kids, and a workshop for myself? Sure, but my current house is big enough, and provides shelter for my family.

So the next time you find yourself crawling the mall for a new jacket, ask yourself if your current one is good enough. When you feel yourself coming down with car fever, avoid the new car lot and look at your current vehicle in a new light. Does it meet your needs? Is it paid for (or close to being paid for)? Do you remember what it is like to have a car payment? Do you really want to write that car payment check for the next 60 months? I don’t know about you, but like I said, I have had enough.

Warning: This is an excessively deep post that could cause a life-altering amount of self-reflection. Read at your own risk.

A reader recently wrote to me and asked for some advice on breaking her addiction to spending without turning to food. As an overweight blogger myself, I’m not sure I’m qualified to help with the food issue, but because I am trying to slim down, and because I’ve learned the hard way how to unplug from overspending, I thought I would share my answer here. Not to minimize what can be very real addictions to both shopping and eating, I have found a common remedy that can best be summed up in one word – contentment.

Contentment is a powerful ally

Websters defines contentment as “happiness with one’s situation in life.“ In my own words, contentment means to be thoroughly satisfied with your current place. In terms of material possessions, you are satisfied with your belongings and can think of nothing that causes you to drool over catalogs or showrooms. It is natural to have wants, but if you are truly content they should be few.

I do not honestly believe most people turn to addictive shopping because they really want more possessions. I think most shop-a-holics shop to mask some other emotion. They are trying to replace some void in their lives with stuff. Maybe it is the housewife of an inattentive husband who shops to show herself the love she wished he did. Maybe it is an insecure guy who buys an expensive car because he doesn’t think anyone would have interest in just him. Maybe it is a parent who buys their kids tons of toys to compensate for working 60 hours a week. The point is, stuffing ourselves with food, or things, is a symptom of some other problem.

Does this mean skinny people can’t have debt?

No, in fact many people with good looking exteriors are deeply in debt because they have substituted one vice for another. This is why many people gain weight after they give up smoking. They replace cigarettes with food. Excessive dieters often binge on food, just like excessively cheap people occasionally binge on expensive stuff. When we go too far in one extreme direction or the other, it usually takes a binge to bring us back to center, where we should have been all along.

One of my favorite sayings is, “Sure, the grass is greener on the other side, but the water bill is higher, too.” And yes, I coined that phrase (unless someone else can claim it). What it means is that while things may appear to be rosy on the outside, behind the scenes people are paying for their shiny exteriors. We all have at least one neighbor who buys a new car every two years, just installed a swimming pool, and takes exotic vacations every six months. We wonder to ourselves how in the world they can afford it. They probably can’t!

The secret to finding contentment

Listen to the little voice inside your head the next time you think you really want something. Ask yourself the following questions before you reach to swipe your credit card:

• Do I already have a comparable item that meets my needs?
• Is this something that will improve my quality of life?
• Is this something that will improve the quality of life of those around me?
• Am I willing to give up x hours of life energy at work to pay for this item?
• Am I purchasing this item because my best friend has one?
• Did I only start wanting this product after seeing an advertisement for it?

Based on your answers to the above questions you probably now have a better idea of whether or not your purchase is a need or a want. If it is a want you now have a better understanding of why you really want it, and can make a rational decision to buy it or not. Ultimately, it is possible to control both spending and eating if you are content with where you are in life. Be happy with what you have, not unhappy with what you don’t have. Find happiness in non-material items like your children, or your profession, or the nature that surrounds you.

Image credit: ahisgett

Additional Thoughts on Contentment:
The Incredible Power of Contentment
Why the Minimalist Lifestyle Appeals to Me