I love Socrates.  The genius of Socrates was his ability to ask questions.  He made a reputation as being a person who taught simply by asking well focused questions.

So taking a cue from this Socrates we’re going to try and help you improve your money relationship with your spouse simply by asking questions.  At times a well framed question can be more effective than a perfect statement.  Financial togetherness cannot occur in marriage until you open your heart, open your ears, and listen to your spouse.

First, a note about setting.  Try asking these questions in a non-threatening environment.  Consider talking about them across the table at a restaurant, while holding hands on a relaxing walk, or during a quiet moment on the couch.  Don’t try and ask these questions at the end of a hectic day or in the office with so many papers that are demanding your attention.

Second, a note about your disposition.  It is quite possible that when you ask these questions you will be surprised or shocked at the answers.  Don’t take things personally.  Let your spouse feel free to express their opinions.

Questions To Consider Asking Your Spouse

1. Did your parents talk to you or teach you about money?  Did they have a similar approach to money or did they often disagree?  Are your money management habits more like your mom or your dad? Why?
2. How much money did your family have?  Do you remember an occasion where you felt like you were rich/poor?
3. Is there anything you would like me to learn to do better or differently with money?  Would you say I’m frugal/cheap or a flagrant spender?  Do you wish I’d learn to loosen up with money or spend it more freely?
4. Are your comfortable (emotionally) with our current debt level?  Do you think we’re on the right track as far as debt repayment?  How much debt are you comfortable with?
5. What is a “major purchase”? How much would I need to spend, without consulting you, to make you upset?  What kinds of purchases do you think we should both consult each other regarding?
6. How do you feel about wives earning more than their husbands? Why?  Do you have any issues or concerns regarding how much we each make?  Do you think I make enough money?
7. Is there one thing that you dread when it comes to money?  What is your greatest financial fear?  What do you think can be done to help minimize the possibility of that fear becoming a reality?
8. Have you ever thought about starting your own business?  How would you fund it?  What would you do if you could do anything in the world?
9. Imagine that you’ve won or saved a million dollars.  What would you do with it? Why?
10. What would you like retirement to look like?  Where would you live, in what kind of house?  What work, if any, would you be doing?

It is quite possible that you will be surprised and shocked by some of the answers you hear.  So what do you do now with these responses.  After asking some of the questions above, you’ll have a good idea about the level of financial oneness you and your spouse enjoy.  You should have been able to identify some areas of marital strength and even some places that have room for improvement.

Now you have a hard job.  Start to humbly and patiently address these sensitive money issues.  If you feel overwhelmed, seek outside help as counseling can be a great way to heal a broken marriage.

We all have those friends that always want to head out on the town and spend. Whether it’s taking large vacations or wanting to eat out every week, they just seem to be made out of money. So, how do you tell someone who likes to spend that you are on a strict budget?

My wife and I have friends that like to spend and it’s hard to tell them no when they ask us to tag along. We don’t want to alienate them to the point that they don’t want to see us again. So, I thought it would be beneficial to think of a few ways to handle the situation if it should every arise again. Here are some strategies that I thought might be useful:

Learn to Say “No”

You might think that saying no is an easy concept but it’s not. When that person is standing right in front of you and you are thinking of ruining their plans, it’s hard to just say no.

It’s probably not best to just say “no” and then leave it at that. Try saying something like, “I’d love to do that, but right now we are really trying to watch our spending.” If they don’t understand that then maybe it’s time to find some new friends.

Tell Them Your Financial Goals

If they are still giving you a rough time after you said no, maybe it’s time to tell them your financial goals. If you are trying to get out of debt or saving for a down payment on a home, tell them. It may actually even inspire them to create their own financial goals.

You don’t want to get too personal with your goals though. In other words, don’t tell them that you are $150,000 in debt and just can’t afford to do anything for the next 7 years. That just might scare them off a bit.

Invite Them Over and Control the Situation

This is a strategy my wife and I use. When all else fails, invite the couple over to your place. If you are in your own domain, you can control the expenses a lot better. Cooking a meal for your guests can be a lot cheaper than eating out. Since your guests originally wanted to spend money on going out, have them bring over the drinks. Even those are cheaper when bought at the store vs. a restaurant.

Go to Places or Do Things For Free

Another great solution is to do things with your friends that are free. My wife and I live really close to Washington DC and there are a ton of things to do there for free. Whenever we have relatives or visiting friends in the area, we recommend heading into the city. There are a ton a free museums and monuments to check out. You can pack a picnic lunch and take mass transit.

Here are a few more things you can do with friends for free:

• Hiking and biking
• Picnics
• Volunteering
• Game night
• Pick up a team sport
• Much more!

How do you handle situations where you friends want you to spend but you don’t have the money?

I am what you call a late adopter. New things come out, I see them advertised, I yawn and go about my business. Then months later (sometimes years) I eventually get around to rediscovering those items and finding that I actually find them useful and kick myself for not joining earlier. This sums up my experience with social media.

I avoided the whole MySpace/Facebook scene for a long time and saw little value in things like Twitter and the like. However, I now understand the value in connecting with people in a more informal online setting than blog comments.

So, over the last few months, I’ve been trying to reach out to more readers in an effort to share things not really meant for a personal finance blog. I’d love to connect with you, and if you are a slow adopter, I’d encourage you to sign up and give it a shot.

Become a Frugal Dad Fan on Facebook

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The Frugal Roundup

29 Semi-Productive Things to Do Online When Trying to Avoid Real Work. Have you ever hopped online to do something and then come to find you got absolutely nothing done in an hour? Happens to me all the time. At least next time I can say I did something at least semi-productive! (@Marc and Angel)

How to Show Someone You Love Them Every Day. Although Valentine’s Day is this weekend, you should always tell that special someone that you love them. Get this free eBook to learn how. (@My Super-Charged Life)

Do Kids Inherit Frugality? Yes, to a degree. Kids model the behavior from examples they see most often, and parents have the best opportunity to model frugal spending decisions. (@Money Smart Life)

11 Ways We Dove Into Debt and How We’re Digging Out. Matt shares some all too common factors on how he and his wife accumulated their debt. (@Debt Free Adventure)

Best of the Rest

• Improve Your Diet Without Dieting
• How to Use Electronic Coupons With Your Grocery Card
• 5 Financial Mistakes That Can Cost You Significantly
• A Frugal Valentines Day
• Credit Terrorist or Twisted Genius?
• Become Master of Your Financial Domain
• Is It The Right Time to Buy a New Car?
• The One Thing You Can Do To Make Your Resume Stand Out
• Our Debt to The Future and Past

Imagine the following scenario. You are awakened in the middle of the night by the jolt of a powerful earthquake. Your house is leveled, but thankfully you and your family are uninjured. However, the roads are impassable, your utilities have been cut off, and many of your neighbors were injured or killed in the earthquake. The only thing you have to survive is what you have on hand, and because you are a Frugal Dad reader, your bug out bag.

Photo courtesy of U.S Geological Survey

Unfortunately, this was a very real scenario for the people of Haiti. And in years past we’ve seen other examples, from the devastation of Hurricane Katrina to the tsunami in Indonesia. On a smaller scale, we’ve also seen blizzards, floods and other natural disasters leave many people to fend for themselves. With some preparation, and a little planning, you can greatly improve the chances your family can get through these types of survival situations.

What exactly is a bug out bag?

A bug out bag is a collection of basic survival gear that might be required in a disaster scenario, natural or otherwise. It is transportable, and consolidated into a single pack or two so that you can grab it and go in a hurry. I like to keep one at home and one in each vehicle, but how you implement the bug out bag is up to you.

The actual bag could be as simple as an extra frameless backpack or duffel bag, or as elaborate as a framed ALICE pack or similar framed backpack. The best bug out bag is one that you can pack the most in and still carry comfortably in the field.

What goes in a bug out bag?

Anticipating worst-case scenarios is never fun, but to properly pack your bug out bag with only the essential items, you must start here. Imagine no food, no electricity, no water, and no city services for days. What types of things would you need to survive?

1. A couple rations of food (high-calorie bars, etc.). We have a big bag of rice, and several packs of packaged tuna with a two-years shelf life. Both have a lot of calories and are easy to prepare, but are relatively light to pack.
2. Flashlights. Be sure to pack at least one flashlight per bug out bag. And never burn more than one light at a time to preserve batteries. A hand-crank light can come in handy too, for battery-less operation.
3. Batteries.  Be sure to have the right size for your equipment, and pack plenty of extras.
4. Glow sticks. When flashlights fail, or when you don’t need a high concentration of direct light, glow sticks are a wise choice.
5. Hand-crank emergency radio. Staying informed is a key to survival. A hand-cranked radio requires no batteries or electricity, and can provide news bulletins, weather updates, and information on evacuation routes, etc.
6. Multi-tool. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere without a multi-tool!
7. Knives. At a minimum, I’d recommend a folding camp knife with a saw edge, a Swiss Army knife with attachments, and a large, fixed-blade survival knife.
8. Rope/cord. Some 550 paracord is a must-have in your survival kit for tying up food, making a shelter, and plenty of other uses.
9. Change of clothes. This is not vital, as you can always wash/dry clothing in the field. If you have room, take along an extra set and lean towards cold weather gear.
10. Water purification tablets/drops. Boiling water is the most effective way to reduce the risk of ingesting a parasite. However, purification tablets are a close second when boiling isn’t practical.
11. Anti-diarrhea medication. Be sure to have this one hand in the event you or a family member does suffer from diarrhea, which can lead to life-threatening dehydration very quickly in a survival situation.
12. Stainless steel Kanteen. I like this stainless steel Kanteen for carrying water (no worries over BPA’s in plastic), and it can be heated by hanging above a flame through cord threaded through the screw-on cap.
13. Bottle of multi-vitamins. While on a survival diet, chances are you will be lacking the required nutrients from food alone. A good multi-vitamin will help keep your immune system up.
14. Emergency blankets. These Mylar blankets help hold in heat in an emergency. In addition to those in our bug out bag, we also have a couple in the glove compartment of our car, just in case.
15. Bug repellent. After water disasters (floods, tsunamis, hurricanes, etc.) there will likely be standing water nearby, which is great breeding ground for mosquitoes. Mosquitoes, and other insects, are known for helping transmit diseases in these conditions, so keep your skin protected at all times.
16. Compass. Nothing fancy needed here. Just look for a compass that can reliably provide a north heading.
17. Map of your surrounding area. Who needs a GPS? When it hits the fan, I’d rather have a map of my city and state than something that requires power and communication with a satellite.
18. Fire-starting materials. We have a butane torch lighter, water proof matches, a magnesium stick, kindling sticks, cotton balls and petroleum jelly.
19. Signal mirror. Putting a signal mirror’s reflection on a rescue pilot or boat captain is one of the best ways of attracting attention.
20. Sun block. If caught out in the open on a hot summer day, you’ll be glad you packed sun block to prevent the sun from cooking your exposed skin.
21. A safety whistle for each family member. Safety whistles can be used to attract attention from rescuers, and to communicate with family members if separated. Plus, they take a lot less energy and make a lot more noise than screaming.
22. Fishing lures and line. If you can get to a natural body of water, chances are there is a food source in there. It’s possible to catch fish without lures and line, but having it sure improves your chances!
23. Ziploc bags. Great for waterproofing items, rationing food, etc.
24. Hand sanitizer. We personally packed a few bottles of Purell hand sanitizer. If you shop the cheap stuff, just be sure it has a alcohol content between 60% and 95% to maximize germ-killing effectiveness.
25. Camp axe. Probably the most important tool when setting up a camp. A good camp axe can help clear a camp site, split firewood, and chop down small trees for shelter.
26. Folding shovel. It isn’t pleasant to think about, but you may have to bury waste, or have the less-gross task of digging a fire pit. Either way, a folding shovel will do the job.
27. First aid kit. I prefer the soft-sided kits here because they are more compact and flexible than the large, plastic box first aid kits.
28. Survival handbook. A good survival handbook should cover information such as how to make shelters, identify plants and animals to eat, and strategies to get rescued.
29. Roll of duct tape. Duct tape is the do-it-yourselfer’s best friend, at home and in an emergency situation.
30. Cash and coins. We keep a couple hundred dollars in cash in a waterproof tube (originally purposed to hold waterproof matches). Also consider taking along a roll of quarters for any coin-operated vending, or to make change.
31. Ponchos. When you have to leave shelter in search of food, or to move away from danger, keeping yourself dry greatly reduces the chances of getting sick from exposure to a cold rain.
32. Tarp. With a section of tarp and a little rope tied between two trees you can provide instant shelter in a survival situation.
33. Deck of cards (to fight boredom). Don’t discount the psychological aspects of survival. After a day or two, boredom will set in and you’ll be glad to have a deck of cards to pass the time.

I recommend picking up one or two items from this list each shopping trip, or ordering them online with a little money from your next few paychecks. It would cost a lot of money to purchase and pack these items all at once. And if you are like me, you’ll have a main bug out bag you keep at home, but a mobile version for the trunk of your car. After all, you never know where you might be in a survival situation.

Have you ever figured out how much you are spending just to go to and from work everyday? There are a lot of things to consider like gas, tolls, parking and even wear and tear on your car. Your commute might be costing you more than you think.

Most of these costs are unavoidable. You have to go to work and it costs you money to get there. But, you may be able to save a considerable amount of money by making some small changes to your commute.

I live in the Washington DC area and I have a friend that commutes into the city every day. It costs her $18 a day to go to and from work. When you take out weekends, holidays and vacation time there are about 235 work days in a year. $18 a day times 235 work days is $4,230 per year, or just over $350 per month. Ouch! Her situation is a little extreme, but I’m it’s a familiar story to many of us.

To save money on your commute to work you should reconsider your entire approach. Convenience and feeling entitled are budget killers. Here are a few ideas on cutting the costs of getting to work every day.

Parking discounts

If you work in the city you probably have to pay for parking. Many garages have early bird specials and monthly discounts. Pay for your parking spot by the month to cut down on parking costs.

Tolls

Tolls add up. In Northern Virginia it’s easy to pay $2-$6 just to go one way to work. Try taking the long way to work one or two days a week or avoid just one of the many toll booths you have to travel through.

Bus

A bus, yuck! Yeah I know, buses aren’t cool but they do save people lot’s of money. Taking the bus means you don’t pay for any of those troubling commuter expenses like gas, tolls, parking, and car repair. Your commute time may even be shortened because the bus get’s to use those special bus or HOV lanes. Plus, you get to avoid the stress of driving and you can spend time reading or working. The biggest downside to taking the bus is that you are stuck conforming to the bus schedule.

High Gas Mileage Vehicle

If you have a short commute then you probably don’t worry much about gas mileage. The difference in getting 10 more miles to the gallon is only going to save you a few dollars a week. For others, like my wife that drives 80 miles every day, gas mileage makes a big difference. Using my wife as an example, driving a car that get’s 30 miles to the gallon instead of 20 means she saves $75 a month.

Change your work hours

Many offices will allow you to start early and leave early. If you go in at 7am and leave at 3:30pm there will be less traffic on the road giving you a faster commute. You’ll use less gas and have more of your time back.

Carpool

I don’t like to carpool. I’d rather ride to work by myself than with someone I don’t know very well. Most people feel the same way but there are so many good reasons to carpool.

1. HOV (High occupancy vehicle) Lanes – Faster means cheaper.

2. Cut everything in half – You don’t just save on gas. You get 50% off on tolls and parking too. Maybe more if you carpool with more than one person.

3. Less frustrating – Traffic is stressful. Let someone else bare the burden every other day.

Use Pre Tax Dollars

Check with your HR department to see if your company has any commuter benefits. Some companies will allow you to pay for parking or metro fee’s with pre tax dollars. Paying with pre tax dollars is the same as being able to write off your expense which could save you $50-$100 a month.

Plan ahead on gas

Gas is always more expensive in the city. Make sure you plan ahead and always fill up at the cheaper gas station. Will it save you a lot of money? No, but why pay $3-$5 more to fill up your tank when you don’t have to.

Relocate

It may not be as expensive as you think to relocate. Consider the reduced costs of getting to work every day when you are looking for a new apartment. A home that is 5 miles from work might cost you $300 more per month in rent (or mortgage) but you might save more than that in your commuting costs. Count up the difference after you don’t have to pay for parking, tolls and gas. You might be able to save money by relocating.

Over the weekend I caught up on some blog reading and found an old post from The Simple Dollar where Trent discussed the differences in today’s budgets from those of our parents. It was an interesting post, and the comments provided more food for thought. I began inventorying our own monthly bills and compared them to the bills I knew about growing up.

These are the types of bills I remember my mom paying:

• Rent
• Car payment
• Power/Gas bill
• Home telephone
• Cable television
• Car Insurance

Admittedly, our situation was somewhat simplified because my mom rented, but it seems everyone’s situation was much simpler back then. Compare her monthly bills to the list I came up with:

• Mortgage (including property taxes and homeowners insurance)
• Power bill
• Home telephone
• Cable television
• Car insurance
• Internet service
• TiVo
• Netflix
• Gym membership
• Cell phone
• Onstar

In addition to those recurring bills, you could expand the list of modern conveniences (that cost additional dollars) even further. Divorced Dad did just that in his post listing what he calls, The New “Necessities” of Modern Life. From his list, I’m reminded that things like bottled water, cell phone texting, gourmet coffee, and $200 iPods were not around when I grew up, and certainly not around when my mom was young.

A number of these modern “necessities” do add value to our lives, but they do not come without costs. Because of this larger monthly outflow, most families have to work more, and more members of the family have to work more, to cover these expenses. And that phenomenon has brought about even more “situational” expenses such as the need to for two vehicles, two professional wardrobes, additional childcare expenses, increased commuting costs, etc. Makes you yearn for a simple time, doesn’t it?

So who’s to blame for this lifestyle inflation that led to higher expenses and less time with family? Marketers could certainly share some of the blame, as their artificial hype leads many to products they wouldn’t normally buy. I’m not immune. Those Onstar crash commercials replay in my head every time I consider canceling the service. What if my wife is in a crash and can’t call for help and the kids are with her and…panic sets in. I instantly rationalize the monthly fee.

If marketers are to blame for a portion of the lifestyle inflation we’ve experienced, then we need only to look at ourselves for the remainder of the blame. Let’s face it; we’re a spoiled people in many ways. We strive for the bigger and better, never content with good enough. Over the last few decades, the size of our homes has doubled from 1,400 square feet in 1970 to 2,330 square feet in 2004 (National Association of Home Builders). We build bigger homes just because we can, not because we necessarily need to. Or maybe we do need to. After all, where would we put all our toys in a small home?

These bigger homes come with bigger mortgages, and more expensive furniture, and the need to fill a two-car garage with, well, two cars. You see where this is headed.

In an era where people are beginning to share concerns over inflation (or maybe more accurately, currency deflation), thanks to exorbitant government spending, perhaps we should first consider our own lifestyle inflation. Perhaps we should start voluntarily moving towards simplicity, before we are forced to.

In my own life, I’ve decided to draw a line in the sand. I have nice things, and am perfectly content with them. My desire to have the latest thing will not override the contentment I have with my current thing, and the fact these “things” are paid-for is even better. We plan to stay in this home, keep driving our current vehicles, look at the same television, use the same cell phones, and keep the same basic expenses regardless of what others do, or try to convince us to do.

If you are like me, and have been “unfrugal” at times in your life, you don’t have to sell all your possessions and live the life of a pauper. Simply be happy with what you have now, and let that mantra guide future spending decisions.

Laura writes in with the following plea for help with getting out of credit card debt:

I came across your web site today and I love it!  My husband was out of work for nearly 2 years.  We always had enough money to pay our bills so our credit line was very high.  Well, I used it, all of it.  I paid the phone, the car, taxes, one credit card paid another and so on.  I know I broke every cardinal rule but I did what I had to survive.

My husband is now working.  We are paying the mortgage company every week $500.00 to catch up.  My credit cards are over $80,000.00.

Here is my question…Now that we are getting back on our feet, how do we square up with the credit cards with out ending up in the same position?  I can give them each (all ten of them) 40.00 a month, but that won’t make a dent and I don’t even think they will take that low of an amount.

Laura, thank you for taking the time to share your story. It sounds like you and your husband have had a rough couple years, financially, but there will be brighter days ahead. My first piece of advice has little to do with finances, and more with your relationship with your husband.

I want to encourage you to fully disclose your financial situation to your husband. Perhaps you have already done so, but in your email you indicated “I used it, all of it. I paid the phone, the car, taxes…” I just want to make sure you and your husband understand the situation fully, and understand that while you did what you had to survive, we must now work together to clean it up.

Kudos to you for working to get the mortgage caught up, and for making that a top priority. So many times people in your situation make payments to credit cards before the mortgage payment because some obnoxious credit card collector is breathing down their neck. Prioritize the income you now have coming in putting things like food, shelter, lights, and transportation at the top. You’ll work around to the credit cards when you can, but those things must be paid first.

Consolidate Your Accounts

With ten credit cards you do have an uphill battle, but paying them off is not impossible. You didn’t share exact numbers/balances with me, but I understand your current budget only allows for $400 to go towards repaying the credit cards (hopefully you’ll have even more once the mortgage is caught up).

Spread across 10 cards, that $400 budget only leaves $40 per card. You might consider a consolidation loan with Lending Club to reduce the number of accounts (and minimum payments) you are required to pay each month. If you can successfully consolidate your accounts, but sure to close or tear up the cards of those that are paid off. Else you may revert back to old habits and begin using them again.

Sell Stuff to Raise Cash for an Emergency Fund

It would be great if you could build up a small emergency fund of a couple thousand dollars before starting your debt repayment plan. I worry the next emergency will lead you back to credit cards, and zap any progress you’ve made towards paying them off.

Do you have anything you could sell to fund this emergency fund? An extra vehicle? Old jewelry you no longer wear, but may have cash value? Appliances? Electronics? Consider hosting a yard sale or two. I’m not advocating you sell all the contents of your home, but this step will require an extreme measure or two to get an emergency fund in place.

The Debt Snowball

Here’s my advice for handling the remaining credit cards. Start with the traditional debt snowball. List your cards smallest to largest according to their current balance. The standard advice here is to pay the minimums on all accounts to keep them current, and pay anything extra on the smallest debt. In your situation, I’m not sure that’s possible, considering the sum of all minimum payments is likely much higher than $400.

I’d advise you to consider making a substantial payment – at least a couple hundred dollars – on the account with the lowest balance. Use any remaining funds to pay minimums on the next card or two. Hopefully, that card with the lowest balance can be paid off within a couple months, and when it is, walk that money right up the debt snowball to the account with the next lowest debt, and so on. The guys at the end of the list will probably be kicking and screaming for payments, but if you can’t get to them, you just can’t get to them.

Increase Your Income

While working this debt snowball, it would be great if you could find creative ways to increase your income. Perhaps you or your husband could work some overtime or a part-time job, or work from home in off hours. As you acknowledged, you are in a pretty big hole, so increasing the size of your shovel would certainly help get out of credit card debt that much faster!

I wish you and your husband the best on your journey to debt freedom. It will be a long road, but as someone who has just recently experienced debt freedom, I can tell you that every sacrifice is completely worth it!

Ask the Readers: Do you have any additional advice for Laura? Words of encouragement?